Oglops on Stage
by MysticSpiritus
Summary: Of all the warriors on the Chaos side, it's lucky Kuja who receives conjugal rights. Is it any wonder why Kefka wants to eavesdrop? (Well, after he destroys all the icky bugs first.)


**Mystic: I couldn't help myself. Take this with a grain of salt, I beg of you. **

* * *

"BUGS! BUGS! ICKY BUGS ARE EVERYWHERE!"

And Kefka, the villains quickly learned, did not like bugs. The jester ran around and searched the entire area for flyswats and poisonous spray that probably did more harm than the bugs themselves. He gleefully ignored both Kuja and Ultimecia who offered natural, herbal bug deterrants. "It's not strong enough!" Kefka shouted. "I tried the stupid pennyroyal, and the icky things still go _GWOK_!"

Kuja decided not to finish his glass of wine. "Excuse me? Say that again?"

"Gwok! Gwok! They are icky bugs and they say gwok!" He finally collapsed on the ground and started to suck his thumb. "Make them go away, mommy. Please make the bad bad bugs go away."

"I'll be far away from here," said Ultimecia, taking the remaining wine with her. "Please do not disturb me."

The sorcerer watched the sorceress and wished her dead. He wondered if the old tales of witches melting in water applied to her, and seriously considered filling up a large cauldron. She sauntered down the hall with _his_ bottle of wine ...and his heart broke in two. "That came from Lindblum," he muttered. "I stole that fair and square." _Lindblum_. His broken heart pieces snapped into four. "Lindblum," Kuja said aloud. "Kefka, tell me exactly where you saw these oglops."

"Og ...what?" Kefka stopped his thumb-sucking, but still rocked back and forth like a newborn babe who discovered wild mushrooms in the forest.

"Oglops. Those bugs -"

"DON'T SAY BUGS!"

" - those things are called oglops. They come from my world."

"The strange world?"

It was yet one more example of why Kuja despised jesters. Thank the heavens Kefka didn't have a twin. "Where did you see them? There is only one person I know who can manipulate with oglops."

"What do you mean manipulate? You're not making any sense!"

"Where were they, Kefka?"

The nightmare-inducing clown pointed a long finger toward the theatre ship. "Over yonder somewhere." He grabbed Kuja by his collar. "You'll make them go away, won't you? I don't like their gwok-ing. It sounds so ...dirty." When he began to sob, Kuja wondered if he didn't take the wild mushrooms himself by mistake.

"Not to worry, Kefka." Kuja stood, let his gaze wander to the east. There was a figure in the distance, clad in a scarlet cloak trimmed in gold. "The oglops will make a grand finale and my prisoner will grace the stage for another performance." Magic radiated from the unknown individual; whispered chants floated on the winds.

"Eh? Prisoner you say?" The clown made a full recovery and hopped to his feet. "Sounds like fun! I'll help!"

Kuja pushed the annoyance aside, walked away with a flick of his hand. "You will have no role in this, Kefka. I can handle her."

_Her?_ "Even more fun! I'll watch!"

"This is a private performance, Kefka."

" ...you do that when you're alone?" He saw the sorcerer stiffen in disgust. "Aw, are you embarrassed? It's perfectly normal when you get older. You grow hair in private places, then you start thinking about girls, and then you pick one and enchant her and make her your puppet! See?! See?!"

Kuja thought about the jars of poisons Ultimecia kept in her quarters. A combination of several in an innocent cup of tea held so much promise and possibility. "She was a prisoner, not a puppet."

"Same difference."

"Leave us, Kefka!" And when Kuja snapped, it didn't make a pretty picture. It resembled a snapshot of a drunken brawler attempting to exit stage right.

The jester stopped, pouted. "Oh, fine fine fine fine. You spoil my fun."

Kuja muttered, "I don't like your definition of fun." Then he left with a leap off the balcony.

xxx

Ultimecia relaxed in her quarters, chalice of wine in hand, wondered how Kuja of all people acquired such an expensive palate. A few sips later, she recalled what he liked to wear, and everything made a bit more sense. Across from her bed stood her pantry of herbs in numerous forms; tinctures, salves, teas. Her opinion of Kuja would never be higher than that of an idiot child, but she did give him credit for his knowledge with materia medica. She saw his bookshelf once, and for the first time in a very long time, she felt pangs of jealousy.

One of the tomes was written in a woman's hand, an essay on the synergy of plants and their use for both spells and medicine. At first glance, Ultimecia suspected that the essay was none other than Kuja's, due to the perfect penmanship and accurate descriptions. But after he ripped the book from her hands, he admitted that it was a gift from another practitioner of the arts, a female who once surrendered to him her airship.

"You hijacked a ship?" she had questioned. "I find that a bit hard to believe. Your memories must be false, pretty boy."

"She was beautiful," Kuja had responded with a nostalgic smile. "Along with the woman onboard. And I do like creatures of beauty."

This Lindblum wine packed quite the alcoholic punch. Ultimecia could not recall the other practitioner's name. All she remembered was Kuja's vivid description of a "beautiful blonde with dark blue eyes that could bring fear in some people, but curiosity in myself". He rambled a bit more about a "slim and healthy physique" and a constant use of corset and veil which he very much disliked. "Stupid things," he had said. "Corsets are torture devices, and why wouldn't a woman want to let her hair down now and then? She had pretty hair."

Ultimecia shrugged and drank some more of her stolen wine. Let the pretty boy think he took a ship and a woman's heart.

xxx

He lost sight of the cloaked individual, but her presence hovered in the air as it whispered through his hair, brushed over his skin. An oglop scattered past, running in fear of its life. He blasted it with a quick chant of a fire spell. The things disgusted him. Oglops had hard shells and tiny eyes that only saw in black and white. The color was a sickly yellow. "I can feel you lady!" Kuja shouted, arms outstretched in a dramatic flair. "Be a good girl and show yourself!"

The stage remained empty save for a flutter of the curtains. Kuja half-expected to see a will o'wisp float past and wave 'hello!' while its lantern swung back and forth. She did this to him once before, this game of 'I hide and you come find me'. If his memory served him correctly, the end reward was very favorable. "Shall I silence you again, lady? Maybe bind you as well?"

Scarlet and gold waved in the corner of his eye. He turned to face center stage, followed the scent of lavender and rose water, and all sense of personal space fell astray to follow the ways of scandal and intrigue. She stood mere inches from him, smiling beneath her hood. "Hello, sweetie," were her words of greeting.

"Lady Hilda," he responded. In normal circumstances, Kuja would play the gentleman and bow in the presence of a noblewoman. This situation was entirely jumbled, so the sorcerer only lowered her hood and returned her smile. Waves of hair, to his pleasant surprise, flowed free and loose past her shoulders.

Her hand graced his cheek. "My word," she said. "Look at you, Kuja. You're alive, healthy." He didn't speak, not right away. He enjoyed hearing her voice again, soft and very feminine. "All the reports said you died; I mourned for you. I locked myself in my chambers for a week."

Kuja didn't bother to step back. "That must have made your husband happy." And her council suspicious.

"And why would the regent's opinion concern you?" Hilda continued her touch, let her palm run down the curve of his neck, let it rest on his armor. "You have a heartbeat, sorcerer."

He grabbed her wrist. "What happened, lady, that made you run back to me?"

If she did feel fear, she didn't show it. She gazed at him, firm and unmoving. "My husband is no more than hedgehog pie, Kuja." Just to say his name again brought a flutter to her chest. "You were right, I admit it. The regent is a man who will never change his ways and I wasted enough time by remaining his wife."

"Did another pub whore catch his eye?"

Insulted, Hilda wrenched her hand free. "I did not come here to be questioned by you!"

"Then tell me why you are here, Hilda. As far as I am concerned, there is only reason why a woman of your class would risk her life and reputation to find a man like me." His hands drifted to her waist.

"And you'd be right, sorcerer." Certain individuals might consider her reason very crazy, or a bit fun; others might gasp or blush, or whisper insults behind her back. Lady Hilda no longer cared. Her reason was more than enough.

xxx

Kefka adjusted his binoculars; as in, he twisted his hands by his eyes to pretend he used binoculars. He had a clear view of the theatre ship, along with the couple who graced center stage. "Aw, enough of the stupid flirting!" The jester twitched, bounced on his heels. "Flatter her some, than take her by force! Make it interesting!"

"It's imbeciles like you that give the rest of us a bad image."

The air smelled of muscadine grapes, fresh from the Lindblum vineyards. Ultimecia toyed with the idea of dragging that moronic clown by his ears and forcing him to sit in the corner, but he'd probably amuse himself in ways that would make Chaos set up an appointment with a psychotherapist. The old god would have to wait in line.

"But ...but ...she's blonde!" Kefka turned his attention back to the ship. "Second base, Kujie-coo! You can do it!"

Ultimecia wondered if Kefka tolerated hemlock. It'd be an experiment worth investigating. She gazed at the ship, chuckled briefly. "Hm, she's a powerful little one, isn't she?"

"Heh?"

"That woman is a sorceress. Though, I think in their world she'd be considered a mage or wise woman." The wise description might be up for debate in these current circumstances. "It pains me to admit it, but pretty boy chooses his lovers well. Maybe the little witch will survive."

"Woo-hoo-hoo! First base, you made it!"

" ...you're just sick." The hemlock was yelling to her loud and clear. She left to possibly answer it.

Kefka continued to spy through his _hand_made binoculars. "Eh, you're a stupid old bitty. Go Kujie-coo! Go Kujie-coo! Yeaaahhhh!"

xxx

With great determination and willpower, Hilda broke free from Kuja's kiss, but not from his embrace. She rested her head near his collarbone. "Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched?"

His breath was quick and his blood ran hot. "Because we probably are being watched, lady."

"Isn't there somewhere we won't be watched?"

Kuja answered quickly, "I have private quarters."

"Oh, you do?"

"Hilda," he said, voice hushed. "How long can you stay?"

She whispered back, "I can stay for as long as you have need of me."

They shared a quick kiss before he grabbed her about the waist and ran as if passion depended on it. Which it did. A lot.

xxx

Ultimecia studied a weathered and decayed scroll in the commons room. The wine was gone, but she forced herself to remain awake. Wise woman, mage, sorceress ...semantics for all that mattered. Another woman of the arts had stepped onto the battlefield. Think of all the conversations they could have together, the spells they could conjure.

"Hey! Where's the dumbass?!" Jecht, always smelling of rum, cracked his knuckles.

"You'll need to be more specific."

"That clown." Knuckles cracked again. "He put fake vomit on my pillow. I hope it's fake."

Ultimecia sighed. "He's eavesdropping on pretty boy." She pointed down the hall where Kefka knelt by Kuja's door, an empty glass to his ear to achieve better sound quality.

"Why in hell would he do that?"

"Because Kuja has company. A woman from his world."

"He-he-he-he! I know what his tail is for now!" Kefka took a small mirror from his pocket and attempted to slide it under the door.

Frustrated, angry, and highly volatile, Ultimecia slammed down her scroll and stormed down the hallway. Like a mother being investigated by human resources, she grabbed Kefka by his earlobe and dragged him away from the apparant "alone time". "Leave them be, jester! Go elsewhere!"

He blew her a raspberry. "When did you start caring about Kuja?"

"I don't care about pretty boy, but I like the woman. Tell me you at least caught her name."

"Hilda! He kept saying it over and over and over -"

"Enough." She held up a hand. "Let him have his fun now, for I will speak to the little witch afterwards. With any luck, we can win her over to our side." Ultimecia's smile spoke volumes of chaos, discord, and more manipulation.

Jecht decided to speak up, not that he truly wanted to know the answer. "Are you dumbasses telling me that _Kuja_ of all people, is receiving conjugal visits?!"

"Who's receiving conjugal visits?"

Clearly, Sephiroth chose the wrong moment to enter the conversation.

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_Author's Note: Clearly, I should not drink wine after fasting all day. This is the end result. Take it as you wish. ;P _


End file.
